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Dear friends,
I lost my father last month, and despite being an expected and peaceful end, it has been the hardest time of my life. I did make it through the month, and I am sharing what helped me.
Practice disconnecting before you really need to. My extended vacation this summer prompted my staff, collaborators, and me to map out how our work would stay on track or pause in my absence. This served me well when I abruptly took off for bereavement. My program manager Sarah said, “we will handle your email the way we did while you were away this summer,” and my generous collaborators kept things moving when possible. If I had never truly taken a break from work before, I would have had a much harder time stepping away.
Be as forthcoming as you can. It can be awkward to share difficult circumstances, especially when there are cultural differences involved. My South Asian family and community’s expectations for adult children would likely confound many of my colleagues. I’ve tried to share enough along the way that my sad news was met with complete support, even if there was some gap in understanding.
Ask for favors. People grieve differently, and I am experiencing a deep, unrelenting fatigue. I can’t do everything I want or even am expected to do. I asked for favors to meet my work obligations, kid-activity related obligations, and household obligations. I asked my friends for the thing they don’t have- time. Each of those favors brought me some relief, and more importantly, a reminder that I am not alone.
It's OK to fake it sometimes. I am blessed to work with true friends I’ve known for 20+ years, but not every colleague, however valued, is a friend. Over the last month, I’ve chosen when and with whom I want to engage about my loss and grief. It’s not wrong, when you’re struggling, to set feelings aside and perform “work mode” if that is easier in the moment.
Listen to your body. Our training and day-to-day have led many of us to suppress our emotions to get the job done, and sometimes our bodies give us insights we can’t access consciously. For me, if I can’t sleep, I’m not OK, even if I made it through my day. Insomnia is my signal that I need to slow down. Everyone’s body gives them some sort of signal- make sure you pay attention to yours.
I appreciate the condolences and support I’ve received from many of you. Thank you, as always. Keep in touch and share your successes. Good news is especially welcome these days!
Warmly,
Urmimala