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Dear friends,
In San Francisco, it’s officially Fogust, continuing the coldest, wettest, gray-est summer we have had in the more than 20 years I’ve lived here. I’ve looked out my window many times and thought about how the surroundings mirror my mood. This summer it has taken intentional time and effort to seek the sun, literally and figuratively!
This month two books I read helped me reframe how I think about resilience. For the last ten years, we have heard about grit and resilience as critical tools for success that we can build with time and effort. Like many of you, I have tried to build my own resilience muscle in the personal and professional spheres. Lately I have been wondering why focusing on resilience hasn’t been helping me cope.
In her memoir How to Stop Trying, author Kate Williams recounts how, as a teenager, she was determined to join the swim team despite a lack of talent or interest, and she forced herself to slog up and down the lap pool all summer even though every day felt miserable. She recounts how her perception of that decision gradually shifted from pride at her perseverance to regret that she spent her time on a goal that was so poorly suited to her. In her book Shatterproof, the organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich calls this phenomenon “grit gaslighting.” She defines this term as the idea that we should ignore our genuine struggle and just have more grit to get through whatever situation is in front of us.
Shatterproof also has some related research findings on resilience. First, resilience differs from person to person. Both our circumstances and our innate nature shape the extent of our resilience. Second, while it can be strengthened, there are intrinsic limits to resilience. Just like I will never be an Olympic athlete, I may never reach an elite level of resilience. Finally, resilience allows people to maintain the same level of life satisfaction and function that they had before a setback- resilience is not the factor that helps people grow from adversity. If we want to truly thrive, we need more than resilience.
To me, thriving in difficult times requires creativity and community. We have to be able to imagine a better life and a better world, and we need each other to start building it. I honestly don’t know what any of it looks like. My plan is to spend more time with others, in my personal and my professional life, and see what emerges.
As always, I love to hear from you. Drop me a line and tell me about your sunny times and your experience with grit (or the lack thereof!) Please share widely, as usual, and let others know they can sign up here.
Warmly,
Urmimala