Image provided by iStockPhoto.com
Dear friends,
Hope the start of April finds you thriving. After enduring a long, dark, stormy start to the year, I’m looking forward to a green and luxuriant spring!
I have a book to recommend- Real Self-Care by Pooja Lakshmin, MD. The author makes a distinction between what she calls “faux self-care,” such as cleanses and affirmations, and the hard inner work of caring for ourselves. She describes four pillars of real self-care: boundaries, self-compassion, self-alignment, empowerment. The first two concepts are likely familiar and self-evident. The idea of self-alignment is to know and understand yourself and act in accordance with your values and desires. The idea of empowerment is that everyone has to assert agency over their own time and actions in order to care for themselves. It is a thought-provoking read, and I highly recommend it.
In the book, the idea of feeling guilty comes up a lot. There is guilt associated with taking time to care for oneself and, paradoxically, guilt emanating from not being able to perform self-care. Dr. Lakshmin observes that because there are contradictory expectations of us, especially women, guilt cannot be avoided. We feel guilty because of impossible and contradictory societal expectations and unjust and patriarchal structures, and as such, guilt is ever-present. The key point, she writes, is that “guilt does not need to be our compass.” What a revelation! We don’t need to let our feelings of guilt guide our actions.
This distinction between inevitable guilt and action arising from guilt is particularly salient for people who reside across differing cultural expectations. Our work culture tends to embody the dominant, individualistic, meritocracy-myth American ethos, and many of you, like me, have roots in a more interdependent, collectivist way of being. Here’s an example: in the South Asian diaspora culture in which I was raised, there is a strong expectation that those who have succeeded professionally will reach back to friends and family to mentor and support. I could spend hours every week fielding questions from pre-medical students who have some connection to my extended family. As you all know and feel, our work in academia is demanding and time intensive. My job lacks any leeway or structure for me to spend time giving back to my community in this way. When I do take time to talk to my mother’s friend’s niece who wants my advice about what classes to take in college, I feel guilty about taking time away from my actual work or my own nuclear-family responsibilities. When I tell my mom I can’t possibly make time to talk to my dad’s second cousin’s son, I feel guilty that I am not meeting these cultural, familial obligations.
Dr. Lakshmin’s advice is to recognize that guilt is always going to be present and to intentionally articulate priorities that will inform your decision-making. No need to pay attention to feelings of guilt as long as you are acting in alignment with your values- how liberating!
This month, try re-framing any feelings of guilt as an inevitable result of society’s conflicting expectations and set them aside. Let me know how it goes! My thanks to all of you who sent recommendations for towels- I still haven’t bought any! As always, please share widely and, if you are so inclined, sign up for the blog here. Keep in touch and do share good news so I can amplify your successes!
Warmly,
Urmimala