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Dear friends,
It’s rainy, cold, and gray as I look out the window of my home office, and I find myself searching vainly for some inner sunshine. I expect I am not the only one looking forward to longer, warmer days! I hope this March finds you thriving, or at least getting by. The title of this month’s post comes from a saying in Bengali, my first language, which translates to, “If you do people favors, you’ll be eaten by tigers.” Let me tell you the story that brought this colorful expression to mind.
I recently had a conversation with a faculty member (let’s call them Dr. X) who has been struggling with a mentee (Let’s call them M). The mentee has struggled with professionalism- fulfilling agreed-upon commitments, responding to emails, showing up to meetings, etc- from the beginning. Dr. X recognized that M has exceptional scientific acumen and is capable of really good work, and they wanted M to succeed, so they agreed to take responsibility for them. When M underperformed, Dr X. had repeated conversations with other mentors and program leaders as well as given direct feedback in person and in writing, on multiple occasions. M seemed to improve marginally with feedback but would then backslide into the same poor habits. Last year, M was unprepared for a significant milestone in their career journey and Dr. X put in a lot of time at the last minute to ensure they were able to progress to the next step. Dr. X recognized that the amount of time they spent with M was taking away from the rest of the team that they are responsible for. When I gently pointed out that they had done everything possible, and M clearly is not going to meet expectations, Dr. X agreed. The only option left is to end the mentoring relationship. Despite the lengths they had gone to in order to support M, Dr. X still very much felt like they were abandoning their mentee.
Does this story resonate with you? If you have gone above and beyond for a mentee without getting results, then you know that combination of frustration and sadness at unmet potential. Dr. X had followed all the recommended steps to help her mentee along- I didn’t have ideas for what she should have done differently. To me, the lesson is to think very carefully before going above and beyond for a mentee. If there is a truly life-changing situation, like a bereavement or sudden severe illness occurs, then of course we should, and do, marshal all our resources to support them. However, no-one, including you, is obligated to go the extra mile for someone just because they have potential. And the harsh reality is that when we extend ourselves for others, those efforts may not be acknowledged, let alone appreciated. If someone does not meet basic expectations, even after direct and repeated feedback, they are unlikely to thrive in your environment. Giving extra time and effort to keep them from outright failing ends up delaying an inevitable reckoning. Thinking beyond the outcome for an individual struggling mentee, every time you give your time into someone who is not performing well, you are taking time away from your other priorities, including your superstar mentees.
For people who work at being excellent mentors, it is not easy to admit that not every mentoring relationship leads to success. Trust your instincts- if it’s not a fit, act quickly. Dr. X knew for a long time that M was not going to succeed in their group before they acted on it, and neither of them can get that time back.
As always, please share widely and, if you are so inclined, sign up for the blog here. Keep in touch and do share good news so I can amplify your successes!
Warmly,
Urmimala