Dear friends,

Happy fall! This is my favorite time of year, and I hope you, too, are finding some moments of joy even in trying times. As many of you know, I am going through a huge life transition now that both my kids are in college. Even though I knew this change was coming, my day-to-day life still brings unexpected feelings and insights. In these first few weeks, my theme is “deferred maintenance.” I know it sounds mundane, but stick with me.

Most of us think of deferred maintenance in terms of keeping up physical structures, but I find that this concept applies across all domains of my life. For the past 20 years, being the parent I want to be while managing the high standards of academic medicine has been all-consuming. In many other areas of my life, there is significant deferred maintenance. I always feel behind with life tasks like going to the dentist and the optometrist. I am a regular exerciser, but I haven’t improved my perfectly adequate routine in years, even though I know I should. I am consistent about maintaining my longstanding friendships, and I also wish I socialized more. At work, I keep the trains running, and there are always projects that I feel behind on. And to be literal, there are lots of little things around my house that need to be fixed.

I am shocked by how much of this deferred maintenance I have gotten to in less than a month. I’ve been adding variety to my workouts, scheduling all the appointments, reaching out to old friends, and getting so much writing done. I’ve moved 4 manuscripts to the next stage since my kids left! At home, we finally got a handyman in to deal with those nagging, non-critical broken things. Mind you, I am still spending plenty of time on mom stuff- there are daily texts, regular calls, a lot of online ordering, and two trips to the post office so far. My husband, whose orientation to parenting matches mine, has experienced this same phenomenon- he’s killing it at work, getting a lot of other stuff done, and we’re spending more time together, too.

Addressing this deferred maintenance has been tremendously comforting in dealing with all the big feelings. I miss my kids, and I am proud that they are taking their first steps towards independence. I swing between optimism and worry as I see them navigate our complicated times, and I think about whether they’re eating and sleeping enough. It has been a beautiful surprise to realize that these emotions, while mixed and powerful, are not paralyzing.

This transition hasn’t been what I expected so far, and as it evolves, I will keep you posted. Please drop me a line and share your thoughts and/or advice on life transitions, including sending kids to college. I’d love to hear from you! Please share widely, as usual, and let others know they can sign up here.

Warmly,

Urmimala