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Dear friends,
This month I want to talk about time away from work. Whether it’s for parental leave or sudden family needs of a less joyful nature, time away can cause stress for the person who is taking time off, their colleagues, staff, and mentors. My underlying assumptions: (1) People experience life events in very different ways; (2) It is not a job requirement to have exemplary coping skills/ resilience in the face of life challenges, let alone personal tragedy. I have a seen a wide range of responses to becoming a parent, for example. A colleague of mine decided to take her masters’ classes during maternity leave, and her newborn slept in her sling right through biostats. Another collaborator worked right through her leave, sending emails daily (and nightly) whenever her baby napped. I, in contrast, could barely manage the basics of caring for an infant and myself during my maternity leaves, despite a ton of support. It’s even more complicated when it comes to personal setbacks. Some people find work to be a welcome distraction from tragic events, while others cannot concentrate at all if they are stressed or grieving. Here are some suggestions for how to handle time away.
If it’s planned time away, the basics are to let people know early (put your last day in your email signature) and designate a point person for your responsibilities. Beyond that, let your colleagues know your preferred communication mode – email vs. Slack vs. texting- and your communication threshold- would you like to go back and forth on a manuscript revision, review a pre-submission version, or trust your mentor to handle it and check when you get back, for example? If your communication preferences change, let a point person know. If you’re going on a long-ish leave and you have staff, can someone check your email periodically? It’s worth discussing this with your mentor. Decide in advance when/ how to reach out to colleagues – a monthly photo/ email, status update, etc. It’s good to have thought about it in advance so there’s no need to make decisions in the moment.
If you have time away for emergency reasons, think carefully about disclosing information. Be clear about what you want publicly known. Many of us want to keep work and life separate, and that is fine. Do know that when you give people minimal information, they will fill in gaps with their own assumptions. For me, when my father was hospitalized, I needed to be there 24/7- that was my family’s need and expectation. I was very (overly?) frank about my situation, and my colleagues understood my complete absence and ongoing distraction much better because of it. I do acknowledge this is especially hard across cultural differences- I was grateful on the rare occasions when I didn’t have to explain South Asian parental expectations!
Tell the few people who really need to know exactly what to share with others. If someone emails me saying, “I need to be out of the office because of [bad thing]” I don’t know whether to tell the team, and I’m not going to bother them to ask! Better to say, “I’m going to be out of the office because xx happened. I’m comfortable with your telling the team.” Or, if you’re not, “please keep this between us.” Be clear about whether you want people to ask you about it. Some people feel totally thrown when you ask about how they’re doing, and others feel invisible if you don’t acknowledge what they’re going through. Help your colleagues out by saying what you need! Try “It’s hard for me to talk about, but I’ll update when I feel ready,” or “I appreciate it when people check in with me,” depending on how you feel.
I’m going to shout for a minute here: IT IS OK NOT TO BE OK! Medicine and academia can valorize stoicism, but please remember that you do not need to be at work when you are ill, grieving, or care giving. Don’t look to your workplace norms – look to your own well-being, no matter what!
As always, I welcome hearing from you, and I love to amplify your good news. Please stay safe, healthy, and hang in there!
Warmly,
Urmimala